Pity the gentleman in today’s world. His mother taught him to open doors and pick up the check, but he fears his chivalry will look like chauvinism. In some cases, he’ll be right, and he doesn’t know when that will be. How did it get so hard to do the right thing?
The fact is, both sexes grapple with a double standard. Men worry that a show of respect will come off as an insult — or just be ignored — but God help the man who doesn’t make the effort. Women, meanwhile, will freely admit to wanting it both ways, because they, too, are getting mixed signals from the modern world. Can you be your own person if you’re pampered? Are gentlemanly behavior and girl-power independence mutually exclusive?
“I feel like there are occasions where chivalrous behavior is appropriate and even expected, but running to Wal-mart or grabbing a quick bite to eat doesn’t really warrant the whole chairs-and-doors thing to me,” says Annie, a college student from Wichita. “If women wish to be independent, it seems that over-the-top chivalry is not necessary and almost obsolete. HOWEVER, I like it when I’m a few steps behind a guy on campus and he looks back, sees me, and holds the door for me.”
Annie doesn’t remember when men stood up automatically every time a woman entered a room. Younger women like her seem to think chivalry is situational – it’s a set of manners reserved for formal settings – and people her age don’t spend a lot of time at the opera.
For other women, it’s not that chivalry is dead – it’s become a two-way street. On a first date or with people you don’t know well, it’s better to err on the gentlemanly side. “I enjoy dating a man who is a gentleman — someone who has good manners and shows respect by opening doors, pulling out chairs, walking you to the car,” says single Jennifer. “If a man does not do these things, I don’t go out with him again.”
Beyond the first impression, though, it’s a woman’s responsibility to speak up about what she wants.
“I think women teach the men how to treat us,” says Jessica, who is in a relationship. “I do expect a man to pull out my chair for me, open my car door for me, and pay for a reasonable amount of a date. Women need to realize there is nothing wrong with being treated with respect, honor, and adoration.”
The women in this camp say mutual consideration gives everyone a lift. So why do other women chafe at chivalry? Here’s some insight from Angee, a married business owner: “In my opinion, chivalry is more for the man’s appeasement; it helps him feel more in control, powerful, and fulfills his desire to be a protector. I believe that men only want to be chivalrous when it is for an attractive woman. I rarely see these acts performed for strangers who aren’t fun to look at.”
Ouch. But Angee’s a pragmatist: In a relationship, women want the substance that comes from sharing responsibilities and taking care of yourself and each other. More than one mom we talked to defined chivalry for the home: I don’t care if you pull out my chair, just pitch in with laundry and childcare, without being asked!
To other women, token acts of respect are the daily signifiers they need to know a man cares.
“Manners are a turn-on,” says Cate, a divorced mom getting back into the dating scene. “When I was younger, I thought it egalitarian to not be into all that, but now I so appreciate the small gestures of thoughtfulness. My strong guilt streak kicks in when the dinner check arrives, but I find a way to reciprocate, like a home-cooked meal.”
Kay’s husband never misses a chance to do things like open doors for her. “Do I expect it? No. Do I enjoy it? Yes. Do I always acknowledge it? Definitely,” Kay says. “He is putting forth the effort to show that he cares and respects me as a person, and I never take that for granted! I also love that he has taught my 17-year-old son chivalry, manners, whatever you call it — and that my son has seen the difference it makes with the opposite sex!”
Julie, a married, working mom, may say it best with this balanced assessment: “I try to be gracious enough to accept chivalry when it is offered, and modern enough to not expect it.”
So, guys, the truth is that not all women agree, and you have to tune into the kind of woman you’re with. This is never more difficult than in the minefield of a first date. Consider this reveal from the website YourTango.com: “Two other women … confessed that the check-paying dilemma brings out their inner hypocrite. They’re feminists who don’t expect to be taken out, they say, yet they still want him to pay. The she-rationale? Whether he pays is a woman’s way of finding out if he’s really into her.”
In other words, guys — when in doubt, do the knight thing.
|
