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Stefanie Scott and Allison Dunn are just two of the thousands of women who have lost their battle with breast cancer. We hear a lot about the women who are diagnosed, but what about their families? What about the husbands, like Lincoln Scott and Steven Dunn, who are left to carry on after their wives die?
Lincoln is an Independent Business owner here in Wichita. He has three grown sons and lives with the memory of losing Stefanie every day. “The first few months were about survival. I was very fortunate to have some really close people in my life that understood the importance of grieving.”
When Stefanie was diagnosed in 1997 with stage four, metastatic breast cancer, it had already spread to her bones. “Once breast cancer has gone to your bones you’ll have it for the rest of your life, which was a pretty daunting prognosis,” says Lincoln. “Stage four means you don’t have much time to live.”
Lincoln and Stefanie were given a book called 50 Things to Do When the Doctor Says It’s Cancer. They spent that evening curled up in bed reading together. “The very first thing you do – whatever the prognosis –is sit down, take a deep breath and remember cancer does not mean you’re going to die’” says Lincoln. “That was a very important thing for us to get. That she didn’t have to die. We still had young, teenage boys. She was determined not to leave them motherless. It was her very strong willpower to do whatever she needed to do to survive.”
“Stefanie gave herself totally to this whole [Komen] movement for the rest of her years,” says Lincoln. “We’ll never know how many lives she touched. She was just an amazing woman.” She became deeply involved with putting on the Race for the Cure serving as co-chair, education chair, and ran the boutique. She told her story to whomever she could.
Stefanie lost her battle in March of 2007. Lincoln and Stefanie had been together twenty eight years and suddenly she was gone. “We weren’t able to really talk about the end, separating, because it was just too emotional. We just couldn’t do it. But there, in the last hours in the hospital, I promised her that I would be okay and that I would be there for the boys as they grew into manhood. That was my job. That’s been my torch. It’s kept me going.”
Steven Dunn has a similar survival story. Originally from Utah, Steven is now the Director of the School of Education at Newman University. He has four children, two daughters and twin sons. His loss brought him here to Wichita. “I knew I needed to go somewhere. I was so busy with the consulting work (previous profession) but I’d get on the plane to fly back to Logan and I’d start to cry. I’d get home and all I did was cry. I just missed Allison. I felt alone …isolated …vulnerable.”
Allison was diagnosed with stage four, inflammatory breast cancer in 1996. “At the time there was an experimental approach to dealing with inflammatory cell. What they recommended was not to do a mastectomy first, but put her through a series of chemo treatments to reduce the cancer and then do a mastectomy, then do more chemotherapy and then to do a bone marrow transplant.” Afterwards she would go through radiation. “It’s about a 10 to 11 month treatment from start to finish.”
Allison received a clean bill of health and was able to return to her job as a High School Principal. Unfortunately, within two months “the cancer had just come raging back.” It was now in her lungs, liver, and bones. Allison began treatment again while continuing to work. Eventually it was more than she could handle. “I would take her every morning and I’d carry her up the stairs and take her into her office and set her down at her desk. She kept saying ‘I want to get well so I can do my job.’ Her focus really was on doing her job, she loved it.”
Allison’s treatments weren’t working though, and the cancer was spreading. Steven was told that she didn’t have long to live so he gathered the four children to be with their mother, who had now slipped into a coma. “The kids were seated around the bed. Meg was lying next to her mom and she’d pull out pictures and would say ‘ah, remember when?’ the kids would laugh. I remember thinking the last thing she’s going to hear are her children laughing, which was a great comforting thought for me.”
Allison passed away peacefully, at home, in March of 2001. “It was very tough for them (the kids) to actually see their mom go. I am glad we were there together to say our good-byes.”
The grieving process for both families has been long and difficult. Lincoln says “I knew that this wasn’t something that you have a big cry and you have the service and you take a week off of work and then you get back to your life. I knew it didn’t work that way.”
“I thought after a year I should be moving on. I shouldn’t be so sad,” says Steven. “I shouldn’t feel these emotions that I’m still feeling. Why am I still feeling this way?”
Lincoln heard an author/therapist say that grieving is a two to four year process. That seemed like a very long time to him then.
“In this culture we think grieving should be a week, or two, a month or whatever, but two to four years? Now that it’s been over two years I completely understand that. It just takes time no matter how hard you work at it.”
The Scott and Dunn families have gone through their growing pains dealing with the losses of Stefanie and Allison. They take each day one at a time and strive to make the women who lost their battles proud of them. Aside from cancer these families are also connected by their love of music. Both Lincoln and Steven are part of the Heart of America Men’s Chorus. The choir will perform Sing for the Cure a program to benefit Susan G. Komen for the cure on September 19 & 20, 2009.
“It’s a wonderful way to recognize the pain that families go through, not just the women who get breast cancer, but everyone around them’” says Steven. “I just love the idea of raising awareness, celebrating the fact that there are people who do survive and giving some dignity to the people who’ve gone, who didn’t make it. There will be times I think of Allison and I just weep. The loss is so huge.”
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